The 2nd Thanksgiving

It's after 1AM, and my feet have the ache of standing for way too long. I'm sitting at my dining table, the cloth still bearing  small stains reminiscent of the dinner had here just a few hours ago. The cozy racoon  and fox tablecloth adorns the foldable plastic table, borrowed from friends, to my right. 

There is a stillness in this room now, that just a few hours ago was filled with cheerful chatter, so late into the evening the neighbors knocked on the door. 

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I relapsed on Christmas Eve, so Thanksgiving feels the only untouched holiday. I appreciate the non-commercialization of it, and the moment simply of gratitude. 

From my first class I taught, which was entirely European, I realized that their perception of Thanksgiving was entirely from movies. But many are excited to experience what this American holiday is all about. And so last year I hosted my first Thanksgiving away from my family. And now, my second, bringing together friends who have never joined a Thanksgiving event. . 

This week has been heavy. Work has kept me quite busy, which was great to distract my sad brain. Unfortunately the route from Cleveland to Luxembourg requires a minimum of 3 flights, but can also be more, and the holidays and time and many other logistical concerns did not warrant attempting to be home. 

Wednesday we had a work from home party. A + E came over, and we diligently spent the morning work to a phone blasting a Spotify playlist in the center of our table. We had a nice lunch at a restaurant close to my home, before we returned to finish out the afternoon. It was nice to work in the loud noise of music and other people in close proximity. After small group though, I returned to the silence of an empty house, and it was crushing. Thanksgiving Eve has traditionally been our baking night in my family. We churn out pies and cookies and more. There is often an "extra" who has never experienced a Thanksgiving, much less made a pie, who is happy to learn how to lattice an apple pie. One of my brothers will be blasting music as we laugh and work all across the kitchen island and the dining table. So the silence was crushingly heavy. I was texting G, who offered support and some long term solutions, but the more immediate offer of being with me on actual Thanksgiving. 

Thanksgiving morning I went shopping and managed to get myself the largest turkey I could find- 5.6kg (12 lbs.) at the insane price of $5.90/lb. I also found two small chickens to supplement. I bought the sweet potatoes on sale, and double checked the shopping list, remembering how my dad and I will scrawl a menu together on index cards, and build a shopping list from that. Shortly after I got home, E came over to hang out and make sure I wasn't gonna be too sad and alone. It was lovely to share a meal, begin building an Ikea bed until we couldn't manage to get the screws to advance any further, and just sit on the couch together for a bit. After her departure, G came and helped build the bulk of the bed for several hours, while talking about the heavy things in both our lives. G is the only Luxembourg friend who has met my entire family, and I feel is the person who can best understand the chaos and closeness of my family and the one I need to explain the least about the various characters too. It's always a comfort to speak with someone who has met the main players in my life and understands my relationship with them. When he left, I began making warming up some soup on the stove and chicken in the oven on a pie plate. I dished up the soup, and served the chicken, and then put the pie plate on the assumedly hot soup pan. However, it was colder than I thought, and the pie plate instantly shattered, sending large chunks of glass flying around the kitchen. I salvaged the chicken and began eating the soup, until I ended up crunching glass. I fell asleep on the couch at some point, and dragged myself to bed and a brief video call with mom in the middle of their boisterous celebrations. It was a fitting end to a sad day. 

Friday was busy at work, and then A walked home with me, with a pit stop at the grocery store. I wanted to do marshmallow sweet potatoes, but the only ones I could find were pink and white ones. A sat in the kitchen and cut them apart- the white for the sweet potatoes and the pink for the fruit salad. We had a dinner together, and she hung out in the kitchen playing music and helping with various things as I began the cooking. It was reminiscent of the communal family cooking times that I so miss during Thanksgiving. 

Saturday morning began quite early. First with a trip to the bank, then next to put my dry brined chickens into the oven. This year, I had a much better understanding of my oven's heating, and also had purchased a 2nd oven rack, which greatly improved the baking and reheating of the dishes. I made all the traditional foods, but each had a unique local challenge. There's not really Cambell's here, so I used some soup mix to make the cream of mushroom soup for green bean casserole. And utilized my fried onion's from the Netherlands and Belgian Ikea- no French's here! Y'all already know about the marshmallows for the sweet potatoes. The glazed carrots were fine, with the exception of some extremely potent Lux mustard that needed tweaking! Corn pudding without Jiffy mix was a new challenge- luckily I found a recipe I will try again! I was very pleased with the stuffing this year, as it was loads better than last. I used 5 leftover baguettes from our Wednesday small group, drying and toasting it to mix with the fresh herbs and bake. I made a non-traditional cauliflower casserole, trying to imitate something I'd eaten at a local restaurant, and I was pleased with it. I finally appear to have figured out the correct potatoes to buy for mashed potatoes. The ambrosia fruit salad was a different color than typical, as I learned from last year that I need to use smooshed frozen berries to add the pop of color that the gelatin here does not have. The turkey I dry-brined, and it cooked up perfectly, as did the tiny chickens. I used the chicken drippings to start a gravy that I only had to finish as food was ready, and it was perfect. Albeit a bit strange for my guests as they wondered what it was for. The guests graciously contributed drinks and desserts (including two stunning homemade pecan pies and a delectable homemade tiramisu) and the table was appropriately full with people and food. The evening included some games, tea, a walk for some, and eye masks for others. All with the background of a crackly fire played on the TV. 

There is the sadness of missing out on the experience of the holidays. But there's also the secondary sadness of knowing you are missed. Remembering how my dad and I will make the turkeys on Thanksgiving morning. Hearing David say how he misses my ambrosia. Exchanging brief messages with Joe. 

It's hard living abroad. Last year was the shock of the newness and a lot of "firsts." This year is the stark reality that this is my life for the foreseeable future. It's not a bad thing (most days). But it is a heaviness of realizing what this new normal could look like, and being prepared to accept that. 

But tonight (or rather at 1:30 AM), I'm grateful. For the friends who carried me through this week, and really this year. For the family that I'm lucky enough to miss. For the job that brought me here, and affords me this opportunity to try something new. For health enough to manage cooking a full dinner alone. 

Another Thanksgiving, another year I'm grateful for.