My 12th BMT birthday

I’m standing on a street corner at 4am. My nose is running and my fingers biting with the cold wind blowing through my skirt and thin jacket. A long bird is trilling a song, oblivious to the stillness around me. 

It’s my lone chance for solace for the next week. I read the texts that came in from Heidi as I leave my apartment and the cold and emotions bring the tears on the driveway. 

 

This week.. wow. So much I haven’t written on some very strong emotional events, good and bad. 

But this year I’ve been crazy reflective on transplant. I know my brain blocks the traumas and hurt but I still remember snippets of it. I remember the early morning wake ups for vitals and I remember silently lying there thinking. Did I make the right choice? Would the 50/50 chance work? Would I live?

And now, I am sitting in a different country, with hair and a life. And a heart overflowing with gratitude for this life and the amazing people in it. 

Sunday, I hosted a party. And my house filled with the friends and colleagues God has brought this year was overwhelming. At many points I stood in awe of this life I have been given, as I heard the chatter of the various groups of friends around the house. Yesterday, I worked alongside my boss as we staffed a major corporate event. We stood smiling at the guests together, and also breaking down boxes and transporting things and rushed to the pharmacy together, before a lovely dinner with the wider team. 

I am loved. I feel that on so many levels, especially given a thoughtful gift T organized Sunday. She reached out to my students and colleagues for special letters, and the response was so kind. She printed the notes and lovely pictures for me, and presented me with a way to display them. I reread the notes multiple times, humbled for the people who cared enough to write to me. 

Twelve years is a long time. There are a lot of hard times, that I remembered as I rushed to the pharmacy yesterday for insulin. Or puffed up the hill as we walked fast. 

I'm wearing my butterfly earrings from Jacqui. My ultimate reminder of new life, of my transformation, of freedom. A colleague I met for the first time Friday immediately recognized the symbolism, and gifted me a beautiful card with more butterflies. 

I'm about to fly away now. I'm posting this from the airport, headed to a work event that promises hurting feet and exhaustion daily. But this is a life I never dreamed I could live. A life where I live in Europe. A life where people from literally around the world care graciously for me. A life filled with hope.