Driving On

When I moved to Luxembourg, I made the personal rule for myself not to cry in my house. And I have managed to keep that pretty well. But this morning I remembered one of my darkest days, ironically on a really nice weather day. I had gathered all the supposedly needed documents for exchanging my driver's license, including early morning trips for pictures and other papers, only to be told I was missing some. I vividly recall exiting the building, in the bustling town center, and just standing there sobbing. Full on ugly crying as I felt at my darkest. In that moment, I felt so very alone, and so very, very tired. 

Since then, the loneliness has subsided as I've found my place in community. But the exhaustion has not. The weight of responsibility is heavy. This week, I’m dealing with cleaning up and repairs from a break-in, round 2 of mold growing in the house despite all my preventive efforts, insurance claims on both accounts, the driver's license with a deadline to submit this week, dealing with health insurance and doctors to get an insulin pump next week as my pump supplies ran out this week, plus some tight work deadlines that have meant a few 10-11 hr. days recently. Oh, I forgot about all the tax people hounding me for information as well. Let's add in the chronic illness. Today, I had to leave earlier than usual, in order to catch the bus to the office to grab papers to go to the DMV. I scrambled out the door a minute behind schedule, but I was intent to catch the bus. But the entire walk to the bus, my joints were screaming in pain; they act up often enough, but some days the screams are much louder than others. 

As I sat at the desk at the DMV equivalent, I glanced down at the folder I had grabbed from my desk to carry the various papers. Boldly across the top was the statement in purple: "Resilience is a Choice." It was a needed reminder today. Sometimes the options seem poor, but every day is a choice. It is a choice to get out of bed, to walk/run to catch the busses, to prepare and carry lunch every day, to live the life I am living. Being resilient is a choice. Bouncing back to return to the DMV after the last traumatic experience. Bouncing back to keep studying French; bouncing back to keep grocery shopping and cooking at home. Bouncing back to advocate and search myself for an insulin pump doctor and pushing to get the supplies I need. Frankly, bouncing back even just to keep myself on insulin and take care of my health. 

I'm grateful for the community here. Friends who dropped by last night to sit for a cup of tea. Friends who came Sunday- to encourage, to chat, to pour their insight and kindness into me. Monday dinner as usual, where I was reprimanded on not practicing self-care. 

Yesterday a former student checked in, and asked how many RPM I was running at- 0-8k. I replied with a 6,000, and he chided me for staying that high, and that I should shift down. A few more warnings on running myself ragged ensued from him as well. It was a good reminder, and my pondering for the day. I'm planning on what and how I can ensure that this next year in Luxembourg, and the life that I have, remain good.