Where is home?

I just landed in Lux. It is home. But last night, sitting in a pub in a London suburb also felt like home. The song lyric "home is whenever I'm with you" popped into my head. And honestly- it's so accurate. 

These past few days reminded me of the comfort of community. Knowing I was expected every day, and that someone was looking out for me. It annoyed me that R, who I've only actually been with for seven-ish full days total in person prior to this week, was so good at reading me. He saw my stress in a way most do not, and more surprisingly asked me about it each time. He had my back. This was a very important event and I felt myself calm down knowing he wasn't someone I had to worry about (part of the reason I invited him). He looked out for me more than professionally- he made sure I got fed and also took care of myself and kindly let me know when the lipstick stained my teeth. 

I got to be myself. I wanted the confidence my straight hair brings, and I left to get it professionally done. It was a simple thing and I walked up to the event miserably wondering if it was a mistake for the sake of vanity. I didn't look myself as I left the salon, and hardcore was doubting everything as I walked up to a legit castle. He knew I hadn't joined the group on the bus because of my hair, and that it was important to me; and so the minute a broker left the two of us, he made sure to compliment my hair. Such a simple thing (and I don't know if it was true) but it was a kindness that fueled my evening.  

Last night we went to dinner with another colleague before all of us left London. The simple relief of not ordering off the menu or choosing a drink or deciding where to go next was such a comfort. R ordered for the table, L took my bags outside so I could do another bathroom stop, and the evening ended with me just ordering whichever drinks R recommended that sounded good to me. L and R took care of most of the bills and the ubers, leaving me to feel an actual princess for the night. The feeling of not tracking an Uber driver, not having to match licenses and not watch the route on my phone was such a relief, as R handled it all.  Making decisions takes energy. I'm working at reducing the overthinking, but it still steals some of my mental capacity. In my personal life, there are so many decisions I have to make alone, and with no one for a sounding board. Some days, something as simple as what to eat seems overwhelming, even if I love to cook. Professionally, the isolation of my role also requires a lot of decisive decisions. I'm grateful my boss is always willing to talk it through with me, but there's a good 4 hours of my day when he is asleep. Decision fatigue is real! 

I remember the first time I had the similar feeling of relief: when one of my students quietly came up to me and let me know he was a first responder in case I needed anything with my sugars. R and L don't know nearly as much about my medical history, but they still gave me the security of confidence that they would take care of me. They noticed my CGM patch and let me know they had my back. 

Today, I had a lovely lunch with the young adult group from church. We sat in the park and played a game where people asked the question "most likely to ________". I was asked to choose someone on the lines of who do you call to help in a crisis, and it was honestly difficult. Because as wonderful as the people surrounding me where, none of them provide me the confidence that they will be able to help me in an emergency, even if their heart is willing. 

I'm coming to realize more and more that home is a feeling, and not a place. I have that feeling when I am securely in my apartment, with my own bed. But also with a Swiss colleague in London! Or with Indian friends in Belgium. Or with a Hungarian family in Veszprem. It's a wonderful feeling to have. For sure, there is the weight of carrying it on my own, but hopefully there will be more of the burden I can shift to others. Maybe one day the group I sat in the park with will provide the same comfort feeling as I had on the truck this week. 

Next week is another city. And more of my former students that I have the same comfortable feelings with, who are arranging dinners, and I know will support me every minute that I'm there.