How am I doing?

 Lately it seems like everyone messages me "how are you doing?". While I appreciate their kind inquisition, I'm really not sure how to respond. Last summer I spent a month in Europe, and prior to that my trips here have all been 2-3 weeks. So technically I'm still at less time than ever before. Perhaps reality will slap me in the face in another 3 weeks? 

This transition is a 1000x better than moving to Boston. I don't recommend moving in the middle of a global pandemic, in the dead of winter, in 100% virtual work. It really, really sucks. That's part of why I started this blog- more for me than for you dear reader. Looking back on my writings from those first months in Boston, I'm incredulous that I survived. It was truly one of the darkest times of my life, and I've never felt more alone or unsupported. The Lord brought incredible community to me, and I'm so grateful that I left Boston with my heart shattered at those I left behind, but it didn't come easy. 

I'm much better prepared for this transition. I knew it would be hard, and the days long and dark and empty. But the trifecta of doom has been reversed. 

No global pandemic! It's been lovely to go in public and experience things. Today I joined a walk through Luxembourg from a Facebook group called Girl Gone International. GGI is the largest female ex-pat community, with chapters all over the world! As soon as I knew I was moving to Luxembourg, I joined several Facebook groups to try to build my community here. Finding your people takes intention, time, and courage, and many days I'm lacking in all three. I wrestled with joining today's walk all night, and didn't fully commit until I wore my walking shoes to church. It was a lovely time walking more than 5 miles around Luxembourg, through multiple neighborhoods, culminating in a lovely restaurant where I downed a delicious passionfruit lemonade. Through the course of a walk, I got to chat with women who have moved and traveled all over the world. They pointed out their houses, shared their Luxembourg wisdom, and advised me on everything from shopping to car sharing to Netflix. It was a refreshing time, and I feel like I finally have met the start of friendship here. 

Not the dead of winter! While everyone here has apologized over and over for the weather, I must say I'm quite delighted with the moderate temps. The mornings are brisk, and I'm grateful for my jacket, but the sunshine, and fresh breeze have been refreshing to my soul. While the locals complain about the lack of sunlight, I'm relishing the later sunsets each day. 

Real life coworkers! Being in an office, and interacting with humans has been wonderful. While I'm still adjusting to sitting behind a screen all day (hello screen induced Friday migraine), it's a delight to be around other humans, and here their experiences in Luxembourg, be included in lunches, and get to know others in my company. 

There are hard times. There's a lot of writings because sometimes there doesn't seem much else to do. I built the chassis of my Lego Bugatti, but I haven't been able to summon the strength to begin work on it again. Sometimes all I want to do is stare mindlessly at the TV, and not move from the couch. It was overwhelming hearing girl after girl this afternoon understand the waitress and order in French, only for her to come to me and have me blurt my order in my twangy American voice. There is the immense frustration of rushing to a bus stop, only to wait and realize the bus I wanted is no longer coming. Again and again. It's hard when I'm trying to figure out the stupid door, or what do the symbols on the oven mean, or how much are the tomatoes, or what is the deal at the supermarket when it is all in French. At least once a day I wonder what I did. Did I make the right decision? What the heck was I thinking, leaving literally everything I've ever known behind? Is this leap of faith going to be worth it? I'm so much younger than most of my colleagues, and I feel uncertain in my role and place in life. 

I lined up cards and gifts from my Boston community on the long shelf with the TV. At one end stands the beautiful photo book from Hannah and her boys. Next to it, a picture of Daniel and myself that he printed on a metal sheet. I read his card inscription daily: "You will shine in your new role, and we're going to miss that light. Little Jen in big Europe...". I feel the latter half of his writing way more than the former. There's the card from Bill, but the post-it he gave me is stuck on the fridge door. The pink sticky has 4 coordinate locations: where I came from, where I was, where I'm headed, and a place where I'll always have friends cheering me on. Some days I'm in more need of the cheers than others. There's a card from my last ever CEP class, and there's the card from Nicci. You are capable, brave and strong it reads in giant letters on the front. Am I though? Most days I don't feel any of those- more like tired, sad, and an idiot. There's the tiny elephant statue from my mom, and next to it the unicorn statue from Vikki. She gifted it to me, saying I was a rare unicorn, and to look at it and remember everyone cheering me on. 

I know it's only been 10 days, but some days it feels like a lifetime. But then I remember Boston was no different. Even on the good days, there was still the weight of responsibility on me alone. And now the weight of apartment hunting, doing well at my new job, immigration paperwork, doctor appointments, setting up a new bank, finding new pharmacies, and so much more still looms over me. So I guess that weight has just shifted geographical location? 

So random thoughts for whoever next asks how I'm doing. Perhaps I'll just forward this link along. Sometimes great, sometimes not so great. But tomorrow brings the anticipation of seeing one of my former students, and three dear colleagues turned good friends. 

I never know how to end these musings, so in the words of Miss Clavel, that's all there is, there isn't anymore. For now, at least.