Missives from the Train

Once again writing on the train...

This week has been weird. I had an awesome weekend, hosting, and filled with new friends. But I think I'm going through a flare-up, as I've been in incredible pain a lot. And every time I'm in physical pain, my mind spirals like crazy. There's been a few kick me in the shins events too that have just added to the heaviness. 

But yesterday L was back from Hungary, and messaging me about my sad posts as he always does. We ended up chatting briefly as I walked home and he was so encouraging and positive. Assuring me once again that I could always call him, but also challenging me to tap into the positivity. I was surprised: typically he is the doom and gloom and I try to be the sunshine, so the role reversal humored me. 

This morning I interviewed a candidate for a position like mine and reviewed a resume for another one. The resumes were impressive, as were the candidates. I felt so woefully inadequate to be in my role. Most of the candidates were managers of multiple people, had taken impressive courses and training, and had experiences well beyond what I could even have thought off. As the candidate expound on a crucial conversations class she had taken, my mind whirled at the many hard professional conversations I've had lately and how I had poured so much thought and prayer into my approach before addressing the people. I felt so woefully unprepared and wondered why I was in my role instead of them. Additionally, I didn't have the internal networks that the candidate expound on, and I panicked. 

I love what I'm doing so much. Yesterday I was talking about buying a freaking boiler! Today I was sketching a fire pump system out. I'm continuously in awe of what I get to do and what my daily life looks like. I'm beyond grateful for a wonderfully caring and generous boss. 

On the way to the train station, I called him as I was walking as he was driving. The thought he puts into making sure none of his team are working outside business hours, or overextended, or compensated fairly is beyond amazing. Even if that means he gets up for a 430AM meeting, looking professional but slightly groggy. Or answers messages on his vacation so I can enjoy mine. Or messages me when he sees my IG story of eating corndogs, reminding me I can expense a proper breakfast. Or fights on my behalf behind my back. 

I sent a message stating how shocked I was to be in this role, and how grateful I was to work for him. And also how I'd like to work for him forever!

His response left me speechless. Even now, a few hours on the train later, I've left him on read as I'm uncertain what to respond. He listed the reasons he hired me. Reasons I doubt about myself daily. He suggested cloning me (terrifying thought). He mentioned the freedom he gives me comes from trust: a trust I hold sacred and do my best to preserve. And then: he suggested that others would take me from this role in a way that showed how he was prepared to support me. Not what is best for him, but what is best for my life. It's been a while since I've heard a manager speak about my career rather than their team and it was incredible. 

So today... a nap on the train in the warm sun bathed seat and these wonderful messages later, I am beginning to find my hope restored. 

This doesn't change the challenges, both personally and professionally. But it reminds me of the army in my corner, who has my back. 

And I end with a heart full to overflowing with gratitude for every step and opportunity the Lord has brought me to this point.