BMT Birthday

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From March 18th

Today’s my eleven year bone marrow transplant birthday. I asked three different people to meet me for drinks/dinner tonight, and none could make it. I know celebration doesn’t have to be with others, but at this moment it seems very heavy and isolated.

I bought two small strawberry tarts to eat tonight. I looked at an entire cake to bring to the office, but I didn’t get my life together enough in time. I bought a new dress in Cologne that I’m wearing today, along with the new sneakers I bought there too. I like how I look today.

The office buzzes on. My hair is flat from the headset on for hours now. I smell people’s lunches being heated up. Life goes on. Eleven years ago I wasn’t sure if I’d be alive today. It’s so weird to think about that, and wonder if anyone around me realizes the brevity of life. They know me here and now, the American girl.

I don’t know how to feel. Sad on all the ones we’ve lost. Happy I’m still here?

I went home. Still a swirling storm inside, and a pounding migraine to add to it. Netflix was a hollow companion for dinner, and I turned it off and choose instead to nap. I woke up as dark was falling, and spent my time cleaning the kitchen and making a shepherds pie instead. I ate my strawberry celebration tarts, still feeling empty inside.

I didn’t think I wanted to mark the day at all, but I realized that it was too big a thing to let slip. And so I scrolled through pictures and posted on IG. And then had a wonderful call from dear Jackie.

* posting a long while after this date. The next day I went to dinner with my colleague. We had the most wonderful time, as she focused on me despite her family at home. As we parted ways at the office late after dinner, I told her about my BMT birthday. One more added to my cancer circle. 

Sometimes in the moment it gets unbearably heavy to carry the weight, but in retrospect we always make it through. 

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